#19 Being There for Your Special Needs Child | Building Confidence, Homeschooling, and Advocating for Them as A Mom

Raising a child with special needs can be challenging, but you are uniquely equipped for this God-given calling. In this episode, Karla Monterrosa shares faith-driven lessons on trusting God, letting go of fear, and becoming your child’s confident advocate.

Whether you’re a Christian mom navigating this journey or love someone who is, this episode offers hope and grace to strengthen your faith.

Key takeaways include:

• How to trust God when your child’s journey looks different than expected
• What it means to advocate with confidence and grace
• Why slowing down transforms your child’s growth and your connection
• Encouragement to release guilt, fear, and “what if” worries
• A powerful biblical reminder from John 9 about God’s purpose in every life

Whether newly diagnosed or years into your journey, this episode reminds you—you are not alone, and God chose you uniquely for this mission.

Resources mentioned:

• 1:1 Coaching Clarity Call
• #06 Our Homeschool Story: Why We Left Traditional School for Faith-Centered Learning at Home
• #07 Can I Really Homeschool? Top 10 Questions Christian Moms Ask About Socialization, Schedules & Confidence
• Homeschooling with Special Needs

Transcript

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Welcome back to Discovering Home. I'm your host, Carla Monterrossa, a coach for moms who desire more time and flexibility for their home and families. I help them discern a more intentional way of life and take courageous steps of faith with peace and confidence. Today's episode is very near and dear to my heart. I've held off on speaking about this topic for some time because it touches one of the most tender areas of my heart as a mom. And it's about the gift of being present as a special needs mom. I've also waited to share about our personal journey with special needs because I want to respect my daughter's privacy. God is still writing her story and she may choose to share it in her own words someday. But I also know that so many moms are walking this road right now, and they need support and encouragement as they discern how best to care for and support their children. If you're a mom to a child with special needs, you already know our children carry a very special gift of tenderness and innocence that deserves to be protected. They also have challenges that require attention and often a great deal of patience. But once you begin to recognize those needs, you can start to pour into those areas with greater intention and faith. And if you're discerning a transition to a slower, more intentional way of life because you desire to support your child in a way that is more aligned with how God designed them, this episode is for you. I hope you will leave today's episode confident that God chose you to be their mom for a purpose and that he has uniquely equipped you to do the work he has set before you. This episode is also for you if you know and love someone with special needs and desire to engage with them, but maybe you're unsure how to connect on a deeper level. You too will leave more equipped to be a blessing to them. And if you don't have much experience with individuals with special needs, my prayer is that this episode will serve as a bridge to greater empathy and that you will feel more equipped to love and serve with grace. Before we begin, I also want to say that I know every child is different. Every family is different. And your journey may not look exactly like ours, but there is so much wisdom in the shared experience of motherhood, especially in these very tender places. Motherhood is hard regardless of how God has shaped your family, but families with special needs often carry unique challenges that no one really sees. But when we begin to understand that, we become more compassionate, more patient, and more supportive to one another. I want to take you back to the very beginning because this story starts with becoming a mom. Being pregnant with my daughters was one of the greatest and sweetest experiences of my life. My pregnancy with my first daughter was fairly easy. I was sensitive to smells and became easily carsic, and I craved a slice of chocolate cake, probably a little too often. We were still newlyweds, getting to know each other as husband and wife and making so many plans. At the time, I worked full-time, but we had decided that I'd spend the last month of my pregnancy at home to reduce stress and prepare for her arrival. When the day came, I spent most of my labor at home. I knew I didn't want to spend hours laboring in a cold and sterile hospital room, so I was clear about my birth plan. I would spend early labor in the comfort of our home until I couldn't stand the pain anymore. And because we lived only five minutes from the hospital where I'd give birth, my doctor didn't have any concerns with that plan. I spent two whole days in labor. The first day I wasn't even sure I was in labor, to be honest. I had become accustomed to the Braxton Hicks contractions that occur sporadically during pregnancy, so I thought it might just be that. But 24 hours into it, it became clear that we were in labor. But as I tracked my contractions, they weren't consistently spread 10 minutes apart, so I kept pacing the house, rocking on an exercise ball and doing all we could to remain calm and breathe through every wave of contractions. It was late afternoon on my second day of labor, and we realized we hadn't eaten, so my husband offered to go buy some food. When he arrived at home, the smell overwhelmed me and I became extremely nauseous. When he saw I was getting ready to vomit, he ran to me with his hands cupped, ready to help. And it turns out that wasn't the best idea because I ended up covered in vomit. In that moment, I remembered reading somewhere that vomiting meant that the baby was coming. So I knew it was time to go, but first, I needed a shower. In the shower, my contractions became severe. I could barely stand it. Had I known then what I know now, I would have opted to deliver my baby at home. But being a first-time mom, I didn't know that was even an option, so we had planned a traditional hospital delivery. So we rushed to the hospital and I was literally writhing in pain in the car. I had to be wheeled up to the labor and delivery room. I couldn't even speak when it was time to check in. So the nurse asked me questions in bed. I hadn't even been at the hospital 20 minutes when it was clear that I was ready to push. My daughter was born within minutes. The nurses actually marveled that I hadn't given birth in the car. Seeing her for the first time was nothing short of a miracle. One second she was tucked away inside my body, and the next, she was safely in my arms. As I've shared in previous episodes, I spent that first year mostly at home with my baby. I took advantage of whatever sick time and vacation time I had available and even spent several months home without pay until I couldn't extend it anymore. It was around eight months. The first couple of years were extremely hard. We barely slept. She couldn't sleep unless we carried her and she nursed every two hours around the clock. Once I returned to work, my milk supply wasn't keeping up, and my husband had to drive downtown daily to pick up whatever I had pumped while I worked to deliver it to my mom. You may already know this if you have nursed a baby before, but your body produces what your baby needs. And instinctively, your hormones release the milk when your baby is hungry. But when you are miles away in an office, production slows down, even though your baby's needs remain the same. To say this was a hard season is putting it mildly. It's no wonder that that's when I began dreaming of one day being whole. Right around the time our second daughter was born, my oldest baby girl appeared to be delayed in achieving some of her milestones, and someone suggested we should have her development evaluated. What? I was offended and defensive. How dare they tell me something might be wrong with my child. She was two and wasn't yet speaking, and she showed no signs of being close to ready for potty training. We had tried that and quickly given up. That season was the hardest season of my life. But with time, seeing her next to other children, it became apparent that there was something different. So we reluctantly moved into a series of intense evaluations and therapies for our little girl. To help her develop her stage and language abilities and to track all her milestones, we moved into a season of stressing, waiting, and hoping for the best for our baby girl. We were tracking what they called autistic-like behaviors, some of which persist today. We eventually discovered that our daughter does have special needs. Learning and development have been a bit slow, but she is such a gift and over the years has exceeded many of the expectations of the professionals who evaluated her. She was only four when she started Transitional Kinder in the special education program of the public school system. And despite all the endless assessments, specialized therapies, and accommodations they offered, my child wasn't succeeding and it was crushing us. The individualized education plan that was created for her was one that I didn't really understand and wasn't able to engage with because she was meeting with specialized therapists during school hours and I had no way of being able to support her at home or reinforce the strategies she was learning there. We also had the issue of having to rush out of the house in the morning. We didn't have the time in the mornings to slow down and give her space to do things on her own. The time pressure and our schedules simply didn't allow us to slowly practice daily. And we were struggling with some of the most basic skills like getting ready in the morning. I would resort to doing things for her that she should have been able to do on her own because the clock seemed to be working against us. I simply couldn't take the time. When I tried, she was late to school, I was late to work, and our whole day got off to such a stressful start. Not only that, but the classroom she was placed in had some pretty severe cases of aggression. She was coming home bruised by a child who flipped chairs and hit teachers. It was all very stressful and distracting. When that situation was at its worst, I could see my daughter regressing in areas where she had been making progress. In 2017, I made the transition from full-time working mom to life at home. It was initially meant to be a break, to rest, and figure out my next career move. What we had been doing for almost a decade just wasn't working. I was exhausted. I missed my kids, and my daughter was having a tough time at school, and that environment felt unsafe. One of the first things I did differently to support my children better when I came home was that I started volunteering in their classrooms weekly. Being there allowed me to see the environment where my kids were spending most of their day, what was being taught, and the level of attention my daughters were receiving when they needed it. I was able to see firsthand what my daughter was experiencing in the public school system. And without the constant rushing, mental exhaustion, and having more time with them, I started to notice things more. There was an adjustment period, but eventually my nervous system settled and I was able to slow down. And I made a decision that we'd be late to school if we had to. But I would no longer be yelling at my kids, rushing them out the door. Instead, I decided I'd sit on the floor, demonstrate how things were done at their eye level, and give them opportunities to practice without fear of getting in trouble, mainly by me in the morning. And slowly, my daughter got better at all those things. I noticed that when I took the time to sit with her and repeatedly and patiently demonstrated how to do things, she could learn and do them well. Meanwhile, the work that was coming home from the classroom didn't seem to be improving. She was being taught at levels that were beyond her comprehension in an environment that was distracting and scaring her. And in 2020, during the worldwide shutdown, I was able to see more closely what they were learning and how. And it was then that the Lord brought us to the decision to bring our daughters home full-time, and we began homeschooling them. If you're curious about homeschooling or have questions, I dedicated episodes six and seven of the podcast to the reasons we chose to homeschool, and I answered some of the questions we wrestled with early on. I will link those episodes for you below in the show notes, in case you're curious and want to learn more about homeschooling. Since coming home, I've been able to teach my child at her pace, in a way that supports her and how God designed her and how her brain works. I eventually learned that she's a visual and auditory learner. She needs quiet, focused, one-on-one time, and she also needs things to be presented in different modalities. She needs more than words to absorb information. She draws the details she wants to remember about her lessons, and those drawings help her to remember. She tried doing this in the classroom while she was still in public school, and her drawings were ripped, and she was told to pay attention. She came home frustrated more than once, but without the language to articulate their experiences, it's no wonder these kids struggle. When I started homeschooling my daughters, I learned that some kids focus better when their hands are busy. It frees up their mind to concentrate better when their hands are engaged. So I let both my daughters draw while I read books to them, and I pretty quickly realized that, in fact, one of my girls retained more details through our conversations, while the other retained more when she was able to draw pictures. So I made that a regular part of my daughter's learning. And as she has grown in her reading and writing abilities, I have raised my expectations and challenged her more. Today she has grown in ways we were once unsure would be possible. She's developing confidence and becoming more independent. She's building meaningful relationships and support within our community, and it has been such a gift to be able to see her grow. Her mind works differently. She has to work very hard at some of the things that come so naturally to others. But the way God made her is truly a gift. Her honesty, her resilience, her love for God, her perseverance, these are all beautiful parts of how God made her. This journey hasn't always been easy, but it has also been incredibly beautiful. And being able to be present for her has been one of the greatest gifts. Being home allowed me to slow down, to truly see her and support her in the way that she needed most. It has been so beautiful to see how the Lord has worked through the changes we've made. It's a testament to how God blesses our obedience and faith. Today I also want to give you a few takeaways that have really helped us in the hope that they might encourage and support you too. And the first one is to become your child's advocate. No one knows your child like you do. You see what others don't. You understand what they need in ways others may not. And in this journey, you have to become comfortable advocating for access, for accommodations, and even for connection. Because the truth is, most people want to help, they just don't always know how. So we have to tell them, we have to speak up, not just for our children, but with love to help others engage them well. Number two, be willing to try and then make adjustments. Not every space will be the right fit, and that's okay. There may be times when your child doesn't fully fit into traditional programs or even programs designed for special needs, and that can feel discouraging. We experienced that. And there were places where expectations didn't align, where support wasn't quite there, or where connection just didn't happen the way we hoped. But here's what I learned. Sometimes you have to try, observe, and then adjust. You don't have to stay in something that isn't serving your child well. But when you do find the right space, it's such a gift. For us, that became our church community, but it didn't happen by accident. I reached out, I explained our daughter's needs, I asked leaders to gently pursue her, even if she seemed hesitant at first, even if she didn't make eye contact right away, even if she was extremely quiet or seemed a little uncomfortable. And you know what? They did. And over time, she built relationships, found mentors, community, and we saw God provide the right people, but it required us to take that first step, to communicate and to trust him in the process. Number three, don't be afraid to have more babies. Sometimes when you have a child with unique needs, fear can creep in, especially when it comes to your growing family. But I want to gently remind you, God is the author of your family. Each child he gives you will have their own strengths, their own challenges, and their own purpose. In our case, having another child became one of the greatest gifts to our family. Our girls have grown up side by side and their relationship has been such a blessing. Siblings can be such a help and encouragement to one another. They provide a playmate, a comfort, and the more loving family your child has to support them, the more rich her life will be. There can be such beauty in how God weaves families together. So don't be afraid to grow your family if that's what you desire. Number four, have grace for yourself, your child, and for others. This journey can feel heavy at times. It's true. There may be moments when you wonder, am I doing things right? Am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? And the truth is you're already carrying so much. Raising a child with unique needs requires you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And unless someone has walked it, they may not fully understand the weight of that, and that's okay. But give yourself grace. You know your bandwidth, you know your children, you don't have to be at everything, and you don't have to say yes to everything. So it's important that you know that and that you have firm boundaries, that you are comfortable communicating them with people, and that you give yourself grace. And give your child grace too. Progress may be slower, milestones may look different. The journey may not look like what you expected, but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful because God is intentional. He created your child on purpose, and he is working in and through their life in ways you may not even fully see yet. And sometimes with time, what feels like a challenge becomes one of the greatest blessings in your life. Finally, number five, release any fear that you may have somehow caused this. And I want to say this really gently, but I know that there's a question many parents of children with special needs silently carry, sometimes with deep pain. Did I do something wrong? Did I cause this? And could this have been prevented if I made different choices? There's a moment in scripture that speaks directly to this. In John chapter 9, Jesus encounters a man who was blind from birth, and his disciples ask him, Rabbi, who sinned? This man or his parents? That he was born blind. And Jesus responded, Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. Isn't our God so gracious and generous? His response frees us from carrying this question. We live in a fallen world. There's brokenness to a degree that we can't fully understand, and until we join Christ in heaven, we will at times face unexplainable heartache. But Jesus is loving and kind, and he isn't punishing you or your child. In that passage, Jesus removes the blame and points us back to God's glory. Not only that, his response tells us that these children have a beautiful and powerful purpose. And if you are blessed to have someone with special needs in your lives, I'm sure you've noticed that they have some of the purest hearts and incredible capacity for joy and boundless grace. So let that passage encourage your heart and remind you that God is sovereign over all things. You didn't do anything wrong, your child didn't do anything wrong. God is at work in your life and theirs, and he has a beautiful purpose in your story. In closing, let me remind you, your role as a mom is not to do things perfectly. In fact, he has called you to follow him imperfectly. And if you are still early in your journey discovering your child's unique needs and getting to know them, it can be heartbreaking to hear that your child might be different. You carry dreams and expectations for what motherhood and parenting your sweet baby would look like. Let this new understanding empower you to lean in with faith and trust God. You may not yet know what the road ahead looks like, but he does. Nothing surprises our God, and he uses all things for our good. Every child is unique, and my experience may not look exactly like yours. But I hope you feel encouraged today knowing that God chose you to be your child's mom because he knew you would love them well. And remember, we're never meant to do this in our own strength. In the hardest moments, know that God is with you and he loves your child even more than you do. You can trust him. And if I can be of service to you, I'm here for you too. I offer coaching for moms in various seasons of motherhood as they navigate a transition to being more present at home. I'd love to hear your story. With you and share what I have learned along the way. Visit my website at Carlabimonte Rosa.comslash work with me to learn more and get connected. You've got this sister. Until next time, God bless you.